The Oscars are a sham. This is my (much better) list.

The Oscars are a sham – always have been.  It’s just a bunch of self-congratulatory rich people giving prezzies to their other favorite rich people.  The fact that Melancholia (one of the best movies I’ve ever seen) wasn’t even NOMINATED for best picture in 2012 just proves that if you’re not in the clique – and Lars von Trier certainly is NOT in the clique – you will get no recognition from the Academy.  The only good thing about the Oscars is the outfits, and I don’t know why we are all so eager to look at clothes we could never even afford.  I’d rather see clothes that are in my budget.  Show me the most gorgeous outfit from Forever 21 and I’m all in. 

Anyway, in an effort to recognize the ACTUAL best movies of the year, here are my (entirely inadequately informed) opinions on the movies that SHOULD have been selected:

BEST PICTURE:

WINNER - "Beasts of the Southern Wild" – every moment of this film was luminous and unique.  Nothing compared to it.  Not even Lincoln, which comes a close second in my book.

"Silver Linings Playbook"

"Zero Dark Thirty"

"Lincoln"

"Les Miserables" – admittedly, I haven’t seen this.  Anne Hathaway’s mouth is just too much for me.

"Life of Pi" – admittedly, I haven’t seen this either.  I’m not a fan of films that use exotic animals for entertainment (and four real tigers were used in this film, although most of the tiger shots were CGI)

"Amour" – haven’t seen this either.  Looks like a beating. 

"Django Unchained"

"Argo" – great film, but not as good as Lincon and Beasts. 

Additional nominee: Moonrise Kingdom.  Duh.  How did this not get any major nominations?

BEST ACTOR

WINNER - Daniel Day Lewis, "Lincoln" – this one has to be a tie.  In my own Oscars, I can have ties!  That’s one of the benefits of having my own Oscars!  I can’t pick between these two exquisite performances.

WINNER - Joaquin Phoenix, "The Master"

Denzel Washington, "Flight"

Hugh Jackman, "Les Miserables"

Bradley Cooper, "Silver Linings Playbook"

Additional nominees: the kid from Moonrise Kingdom, and and Ed Norton.

BEST ACTRESS

WINNER - Naomi Watts, "The Impossible" – Also a tie!!!  Jennifer L was good, But Naomi and Quvenzhane were brillz.

WINNER - Quvenzhané Wallis, "Beasts of the Southern Wild" – This little girl gave me chills for two hours straight.

Jessica Chastain, "Zero Dark Thirty"

Jennifer Lawrence, "Silver Linings Playbook"

Emmanuelle Riva, "Amour"

Additional nominee: the girl from Moonrise Kingdom.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

WINNER - Tommy Lee Jones, "Lincoln"- the others were all incredible, but Tommy was epic.

Christoph Waltz, "Django Unchained"

Philip Seymour Hoffman, "The Master"

Robert De Niro, "Silver Linings Playbook"

Alan Arkin, "Argo"

Best Supporting Actress:

WINNER - Jackie Weaver, "Silver Linings Playbook" – brilliant performance.  And Sally Field was just too old to play Mrs. Lincoln.  Amy Adams was annoying as always.  And I can’t look at Anne Hathaway’s mouth for too long.  Helen Hunt was brillz in The Sessions, so that would’ve been my second choice. 

Sally Field, "Lincoln"

Anne Hathaway, "Les Miserables"

Helen Hunt, "The Sessions"

Amy Adams, "The Master"

Best Director:

WINNER - Steven Spielberg, "Lincoln" – let’s give this man some credit for making a timeless film.

David O. Russell, "Silver Linings Playbook"

Ang Lee, "Life of Pi"

Michael Haneke, "Amour"

Benh Zeitlin, "Beasts of the Southern Wild"

So that’s my list.  And I can say objectively that it’s better than the Academy’s.  

If you call me a “hippy,” you’re telling me I have big hips. Call me a “hippie” instead, please.

I'm pretty sure nobody wants to hire someone who sends out emails filled with basic spelling errors.    And I mean I know I’m a total nerd, but [before I met a man with exceptional grammar] I personally was always super turned off by boys who sent me emails riddled with bad spelling.  Such a buzz-kill.  Here are some SUPER COMMON errors that send me into cursing fits:

1. There’s no such word as “definately.”  It’s definitely. There is no “a” in the word.

2.  If you call someone a “hippy,” you’re saying that he/she has big hips.  If you want to insinuate that the person wears too many floral patterns and too much Patchouli and really needs to move on from that Grateful Dead phase, you should call the person a “hippie.”

3. It drives me nuts when people tell me to “breath.”  It is literally physically impossible for me to “breath.”  I can “take a breath.”  The word “breath” is a noun.  But if we’re talking about the verb, like the act of taking air into my overworked lungs, that word has an “e” on the end of it – “breathe.”  Like, “Sometimes I get so incensed about bad grammar that I can hardly breathe.”

4. Its/It’s. I know this one is tricky because unlike lots of other words with apostrophes, THE WORD “IT’S” IS NOT POSSESSIVE. EVER.  The word “it’s” ONLY can be used as a contraction of “it is” or “it has.”  If you’re talking about something that belongs to “it,” you’re talking about “its belonging.”  Like, “It’s [it is] not ok for the American populace to rely upon spell-check to fix its mistakes, because spell-check can’t tell the difference between its and it’s.”

5.  ALOT is not a word.  It’s two stinkin’ words – “a lot.”

6.  If you can’t find something, you didn’t “loose” it.  You can’t “loose” something.  Ever.  You can “lose” it.  “Lose” is a verb.”  “Loose” is an adjective, and it refers to hookers, clothing, and fixtures.  And lots of other things.  But it’s always an adjective, i.e. “You are going to lose your job if you can’t tighten up your loose hold on basic grammar.” 

This is all I can write about today, because I’ve already raised my blood pressure too much just thinking about these things.  Now I need a Mojito and it’s only 11AM.  At least it’s a holiday. 

xo