My favorite Paleo, Low-FODMAP breakfast: Sweet Potato Porridge

For a long time I struggled with what to eat for breakfast, because I can’t bear to start the day with something that will give me stomach pain. So I ate rice cereal and berries with almond milk, but then after that (not very nutritious) heavy-carb breakfast, I’d experience an energy crash every afternoon. Fortunately, my fabulous nutritionist Sarah Kennedy (message me if you want her info) suggested that I make myself some kind of sweet potato porridge, so I invented one that I love so much I’d be happy to eat it for breakfast AND lunch every day. Sarah told me to pair this with turkey bacon or chicken sausage so that I’m getting plenty of protein, and my afternoon energy crash has totally disappeared. Here’s the recipe:

Sweet potato porridge

-1 cup of mashed sweet potato* (see the end of the recipe for easy cooking instructions)

-1 teaspoon of maple syrup

1/4 cup berries (any kind)

2 tbsp slivered almonds

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

a dash of nutmeg

1 teaspoon ground flax seeds

Mix it all together, then add enough hot water to make it a porridge-y texture. It is seriously the best thing ever! 

*For the mashed sweet potato: Quarter and boil a small potato for about 10 minutes, or until it’s soft all the way through when you poke it with a fork. When it’s soft, the skin peels off super easily. To avoid burning yourself, I suggest dribbling cold water over the potato as you peel it. You should be able to mash it easily with a fork.

Marshmallow root improved my IBS symptoms IMMEDIATELY – get on it!

Like many of you, I have trouble digesting about a million different foods. Aside from cutting out wheat and dairy and beans and onions and garlic and legumes and… [*she bangs her head on keyboard and passes out*], nothing I’ve tried has improved my symptoms. Unless I follow a STRICT low-FODMAP diet, I. Get. Painfully. Bloated. From. Every. F’ing. FOOD. And even when I go low-FODMAP, I often get stomach pain/bloating. For me, it’s like food=poison, and that is a major pain in my ass. 

I’ve tried every cure out there. Bone broth isn’t making any notable difference in my symptoms. I did L-Glutamine for a while ‘til I realized I was allergic to it (don’t go near that stuff if you have an MSG allergy). Deglycyrrhizinated licorice (I can’t believe I can spell that) does nothing for me. I hydrate constantly, I take probiotics, digestive enzymes, blah blah blah.

And then came the marshmallow. I’d heard that marshmallow root could also ease IBS symptoms (http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-774-marshmallow.aspx?activeingredientid=774&activeingredientname=marshmallow), but since NOTHING else worked for me I blew off the idea of trying marshmallow for a long time. Then a few weeks ago, infuriated by the chronic pain, I huffed my way to the herbalist and bought some powdered marshmallow root. She told me to mix a spoonful with a cup of water, let it sit for 5 minutes so that the powder could get all gooey, and then drink it down. And I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I experienced an IMMEDIATE difference. Each morning for the past 3 weeks I have drunk down a cup of gloppy marshmallow water (which, by the way, has very little taste at all), and each day thereafter I have had no stomach pain.

Apparently, marshmallow root helps to soothe and repair the gut lining. There haven’t been too many studies exploring this interaction, but one study recently confirmed that marshmallow eased irritated mucous membranes (http://umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/herb/marshmallow).

Now, it’s not like I’m suddenly eating bread and cheese and experiencing no stomach pain. I still avoid ALL high-FODMAP foods. If I break that pattern I’m back in bed clutching my tummy. I still can’t eat broccoli and hummus and all the other high-FODMAP foods that piss off my lower gut. But before the marshmallow, even low-FODMAP foods were giving me some pain/bloating. So, for me, this is a major quality of life improvement. At least I can eat food without feeling like I’ve poisoned myself.

I’m telling you, this marshmallow root thing is AMAZING. You should try it.  

What to eat on a Low-FODMAP diet: Upside-Down Quinoa Pizza recipe

I just invented The. Most. Delicious gluten-free, dairy-free, low-FODMAP recipe. I'm calling it Upside-Down Quinoa Pizza. I am eating it now and I love it so much I literally can't stuff it into my face fast enough. Here 'tis:

1.25 cup cooked quinoa
2 large eggs
Juice from 1/2 of a lemon, squeezed
1/2 cup fresh basil, chopped
1/2 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp dried crushed oregano
1 cup diced cooked chicken sausage (you could substitute mozzarella cheese or just try it vegan if you want)
1/2 cup diced zucchini (sometimes I use a full cup if I'm feeling veggie-needy)
salt to taste
Organic crushed tomato sauce (I used about 1/2 cup?)
Big handful of spinach

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mix together all ingredients except crushed tomato sauce and spinach
3. Spread crushed tomato sauce on the bottom of a 9X9 baking dish
4. Spread chopped spinach over it until the spinach makes a full layer
5. Spread quinoa mixture over that
4. Bake for 45 minutes (until it's browned and solid to the touch on top)

Let me know how it is! I'm also open to suggestions. xo

Video Blog: Grocer's Apostrophes Make Me Want To Drink Wine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxd73i5omew

The above link is for my video blog on “grocer’s apostrophes,” which always make me want to drink wine. If you prefer to read a blog rather than watch it, 'tis all laid out for you below.

My absolute least favorite pervasive grammar problem is the Grocer’s Apostrophe, which is “An apostrophe erroneously inserted before the final "s" in the plural form of a word.” (http://www.wordspy.com/words/greengrocersapostrophe.asp)

In an unsettling and widespread pandemic, people everywhere have taken to putting apostrophes in words to pluralize them.  Here are some photos (or should I say “photo’s”) of signs that use the skin-crawling Grocer’s Apostrophe:

“Pizza’s Kebabs Curry’s” 

http://jakartass.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Pizzas1.jpg

This sign is my favorite.  Somebody actually decided that more than one pizza or curry demands an apostrophe, but somehow kebabs can roll without the extra character.

“If we’re ready to tackle swine flu, pig’s can fly”

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8C0Jtob5KUdQP13fOqApXX_5epxZqvQB62aen8eWsp4koAq0IKPRpPsIkZSqH_ihfBPcj_59iF_U3rd-KwnXHG5drzQ-gMkhYyWVh_F9k76LkI6b7HTBk06xeGBa2KA66pvB6JL1eWQLK/s1600/apostrophe+DM.jpg

THIS IS FROM A PUBLISHED NEWSPAPER, which, to me, just shows that this problem is perhaps more insidious than the swine flu itself.

Kanye West Twitter: “This one of our projects to be released this year called 2016 OLYMPIC's”

https://twitter.com/kanyewest

I decided to look for a Grocer’s Apostrophe on a celeb Twitter page, and the FIRST page I looked at revealed one to me immediately.  Of course, I picked Kanye West, who says that he doesn’t read because he can get all the education he needs from television, so I mean it’s no big surprise.  But the sad fact is that kids these days (OMG I just said “kids these days.”  I am becoming a mean old lady) emulate people like Kanye West, so his grammar will become theirs.  *she drinks more wine* 

Unlimited Food’s

http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4102/4867339284_5179db9ff6_z.jpg

This Grocer’s Apostrophe is like 3 feet tall.  Somebody spent A LOT OF MONEY on that sign.  Proofread much?

Deep Fried Oreo’s

http://sidesalad.net/archives/DeepFriedOreos.JPG

I mean maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that deep-fried-Oreo-lovers aren’t grammar mavens, but I personally think we need to tackle this problem from the ground up. 

*wine*

So, please spread the news far and wide.  WE DO NOT PLURALIZE WORDS BY ADDING AN APOSTROPHE IN ENGLISH.  An apostrophe indicates possession (something belongs to that word) or contraction (the apostrophe indicates that some letters have been omitted).

Example of how to use an apostrophe to indicate possession: If you’re going to write the phrase “Deep Fried Oreo’s,” you gotta immediately follow that word with something that belongs to the oreo.  Like maybe the Deep Fried Oreo’s ability to clog your arteries on the spot? 

Example of how to use an apostrophe as a contraction: If you’re going to write the phrase “Unlimited Food’s,” you best be ready to say that “Giving your pet fish unlimited food’s only going to lead to a messy situation for you and the fish.” 

I think we should take markers with us wherever we go, and wipe out Grocer's Apostrophes wherever we find them.  We can call it "Grammarfiti."  What you think?    

Me loves you.  Mwwwwah.

Follow me on Twitter yo!  http://twitter.com/shadowswan

www.shadowswans.com

Video Blog: You CAN be nauseous, but never say you “would of” done anything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7w_G2vONr1c
Click the link above for my VIDEO BLOG about how you CAN be nauseous, but you best not say you “would of” done anything.  Ever. 

If you prefer to read a blog rather than watch it, here you go:

I used to loooove jumping up on my grammar high horse when people said “I’m really nauseous.”  I’d tell those people that they were in effect stating that they were disgusting enough to make other people NAUSEATED.  Because, of course, we grammar sticklers think that the word “nauseous” only means “causing nausea,” whereas the word “nauseated” means” “feeling nausea.”  Well, we all need to take a deep breath and apologize, because we’re wrong.  According to Merriam-Webster, the definitions of nauseous are:
1.  causing nausea or disgust : nauseating
2.  affected with nausea or disgust

And M-W says: “Those who insist that nauseous can properly be used only in sense 1 and that in sense 2 it is an error for nauseated are mistaken.” http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nauseous

Ok but one thing I will not be shutting up about is how silly it makes you sound if you ever say that you “could of” or “would of” or “should of” done something blah blah.  There’s no such expression, so if you say that you’re just playin’ yourself.  What you should HAVE said is that you “could HAVE” or “would HAVE” done something.  Or you can say “could’ve” or “should’ve.”  This whole problem arises from the fact that “could’ve” sounds phonetically like “could of,” but alas, phonetics have screwed us again. 

Even the Biebs got it wrong last week when he Tweeted, “i could of sang to myself. it would of been like being in the shower.”  Come on, little Biebs, best get back in 7th  grade, or wherever you left off.  Rock Stardom ain’t makin’ you smarter. 
https://twitter.com/justinbieber/status/216914335061118976 

This, from the “Business Insider: “Imagine your investment adviser proposing a sweetened barbell portfolio…You would of likely canned the wacko faster than they sold Nike stock last week.” http://www.businessinsider.com/the-ideal-portfolio-gold-sugar-bunds-and-francs-2012-7
I recommend that you do not take business advice from someone who can’t speak proper high-school-level English. 

http://www.freakyts.com/siteimages/IF%20WE%20ONLY%20WOULD%20OF%20HAD%20IMMIGRATION%20LAWS.jpg
Here’s a T-Shirt you can buy, showing a picture of a Native American and proclaiming, “If only we would of had immigration laws.” Even if the writer had used the conditional perfect tense PROPERLY (i.e. “If only we would have had…”), the sentence would still be all wrong, because you don’t use conditional perfect tense with a past tense “if” clause. Only past perfect will do here: “If only we had had immigration laws.” 

But of course, I do hear what they’re saying.  If the Native Americans had had immigration policies, and refused us like we refuse so many immigrants now, imagine how the world would be different.  We might have a big healthy ozone layer up there.  Hard to say.  Regardless, I just don’t think it’s fair to put such bad grammar in the mouths of this continent's first inhabitants.   Kind of makes me nauseous.  


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I'm Not Avoiding Bread Just To Be Trendy

Recently I was at brunch with some friends, and I couldn’t find anything on the menu that was gluten-free and dairy-free. I ended up ordering two scrambled eggs and a piece of bacon, because those were my only choices.

One of my friends rolled his eyes and said, “The 1950’s called – they want their breakfast back.” He drilled me with questions – do you have celiac? No? Then, what would REALLY happen to you if you ate a piece of French toast? 

I explained that I’d get a stomachache that would last the rest of the day and into tomorrow. I explained that my stomach would swell up like I’m 4 months pregnant. I also explained that I really didn’t want to go into detail most of the symptoms I’d experience, because Mama taught me not to talk about toilet problems when I’m sitting at the table (but here's a hint - it involves a lot of blood). 

My friend vaguely accepted my explanation, but I could tell that he was thinking, “Whatever, she’s just being dramatic.” 

I’d like to explain something to those of you who do not have food allergies or intolerances: it is not fun to suffer food intolerances. Those of us who are high-maintenance-orderers in restaurants aren’t trying to be trendy. Personally, I find myself outrageously annoying when I’m in a restaurant asking what ingredients are in every dish. 

I wish I could go back to my old life in which I drank Dr. Pepper and at potato chips every day, and I ordered French toast with reckless abandon (and, ahem, I never gained a pound – those days have also tragically ended). But that’s never gonna happen. 

And it’s not just that I can’t eat dairy or gluten. I can’t eat onions or garlic or beans or a million other gas-producing things if I don’t want to suffer chronic pain. I don’t want my whole body to be so itchy that I am up all night scratching. And believe me, you don’t want to be in a room with me for too long if I’ve eaten onions or garlic or beans. And I don’t really want to be in a room with me for too long either. 

Those of us with food allergies can’t just relax and enjoy going out to restaurants like we used to. When we go out to dinner, we think, “Okay, I’ll be miserable afterward for a day or two, but I really want to go on this date,” or, “I really have to go to this work function and not question the menu,” or, “I haven’t seen these friends in two years so I’m going to eat whatever they cook for me…” We brace ourselves for the painful after-effects of eating something as simple as a piece of sautéed fish in butter. And before we take a single bite of the fish, we reach under the beautiful white tablecloth to pull out two Lactaid pills so that at least we don’t end up with cramps before we even get home. We leave Lactaid pill wrappers strewn across the tablecloth like little paper carcasses. And we hope that this time, the after-effects won't be so bad that we debate whether we need go to the hospital.

If you don’t have food intolerances, you are lucky. Immeasurably lucky. Enjoy it. The rest of us are watching you eat a piece of bread and secretly salivating. We wish we could be you. But we can’t. So please, give us a break, and don’t roll your eyes when we order nothing but two scrambled eggs and a piece of bacon.

TED Talk by Dr. Terry Wahls, who cured her M.S. through diet

Have you guys watched Dr. Terry Wahls’ TED Talk? She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis about a decade ago, and became bed-bound within 8 years. Then she CURED her M.S. through diet. Now she rides a bike. It’s mind-blowing and totally inspiring. Here’s the TED Talk:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLjgBLwH3Wc&feature=kp

She did this by eating NINE CUPS of vegetables every day, as well as fish and grass-fed meats. Dr. Wahls says that these foods help keep mitochondria healthy, and mitochondria are apparently where it’s at for total health.

Basically Dr. Wahls’ diet is paleo, but it’s so prescriptive that I find it easy to follow. She breaks down which veggies/fruits/meats are the best to eat. I was so inspired by this TED Talk that I immediately shoved a carrot and a bowl of spinach into my mouth, and I am not one to just throw down with some raw vegetables.

I’m curious if anyone has followed Dr. Wahls’ diet…?